Divine Piss

Does my form when I was presenting as a man (Jesus Christ), does Jesus ever have to go to the bathroom to get a little relief?  Let me tell you a story.  

See, people used to make lots of offerings to Jesus.  Those things just decayed and stuff, almost like no one was taking anything or this really holy bloke would take it away in secret and eat it or sell it or whatever (but give back all the harder parts like bones which all divines do when eating offerings).  But that was just a clever trick of mine I mean of Jesus.’  See, what was actually happening most of the time was it got to Jesus, and then if He liked it and had some, there were digestion-things.  

There is a separate question there, which is, “Does Jesus eat?”  And the answer is if He feels like it.  

Anyway, sometimes Jesus would eat the things people gave Him.  Like, there was this big thing between Cain and Abel about whose food Jesus liked more.  And they settled that in a certain way.  (A very biblical way.  Which is to say, by murder.  That is why Jesusians call the book in which are found their favorite stories “the good book.”  It used to be called "Bee ess about murder" but for some reason that didn't sell well.)  

But the point is, if Jesus ever eats or drinks something, which of course He can do because He can do anything unless He can’t because He decided He can’t and then didn’t change His mind to do it shut up faith—like if a really hung dude is making Him some nice food for an offering—then where does that food go after He digests it?  Or like drinks and stuff?  (Like, He drinks so much holy water it’s crazy.)  

Well, see, Jesus can of course use magic and He is not burdened by the normal stuff which burdens us.  So if He feels like it, He can just magic the food or drink or whatever leftover away.  And that’s cool; He does that most of the time He eats.  But not every time because it gets boring to repeat stuff too much, and when He gets bored He makes holy stuff like sinkholes to watch people get surprised I mean because of holy mysterious reasons.  

(Ists say that the "mysterious reasons" excuse breaks down when you wonder why Jesus would need to make a sinkhole, just like why He would possibly need to give some newborn this icky mortal sickness, but "mystery" has been used to cover it all.  They're still waiting to hear back on if He can make a rock so big He can't move it.  They got the ticket for that one from this guy who died of old age in like 576 A.D. who gave it first to this guy who died of old age in like 641 A.D. who and so on but the customer service people'll surely get to it this year they should have faith customer service will.)  

Still, if you live for a long time, and people are always making offerings to you, and every Sunday there is so much holy water, that’s a thought to deal with (Ists say that’s a lot of piss and poop, but they are O.C.W.).  Anyway, Jesus likes to go to this one pub (never on Sundays duh except when He does shut up faith) and He can just use magic without talking, obviously, and send the stuff out of His system and to somewhere like orbiting Pluto.  It never bothers anyone there except future astronauts, but He will deal with that whenever (unless some spaceship is piloted by a bad dude in which case crash like so.  First Astronaut: “Holy crap what is that on the windshield?”  Other Astronaut, looking closer: “Dude, you’re not going to believe this but I think it’s piss.”  First Astronaut: “Be serious man.  Hey what is that?”  Other Astronaut: “It’s a friggin’ asteroid made of what looks like frozen piss and poop!”  First Astronaut: “How come it didn’t show up on the scanner?  Oh man there's this other one, it's big, ahhh!”).  

So point is, at the pub He never gets drunk because He’s Jesus duh.  And He never gets charged because the barman knows Him and keeps it on the down-low when Jesus comes there, which is why Jesus likes that place.  Anyway, Jesus downs like 7 or 8 beers while He sits there.  He doesn’t get drunk like we said but that’s a lot of liquid passing through His system.  And yeah, plenty of it ends up frozen orbiting Pluto and if the ocean or whatever would be pissed because it’s un-pissed that He is sending it away then He just magics water levels up and it’s cool.  Except because of global warming He doesn’t magic them up but maybe He will later.  

It gets boring sending liquid stuff wherever, so this day I'm thinking of how I I mean Jesus dresses it up by not just mental-magicking it to orbit Pluto but He says, “Divine piss!” when He sends it away.  (He does that sometimes in pubs in Usica too and there He just has to say “Divine pee!” since that’s how things are there.  It’s called “conservation of letters” look it up I think this bloke named Webster invented it.)  

Most of the people who come into the pub are used to that and are cool with it.  But the day of which I'm thinking, some heathen fellow comes in while the barman is leaning down cleaning stuff not looking, and thus there’s this bloke who ends up drinking there and doesn’t know.  

So anyway, there are some blokes drinking at a pub, and then one of them—the one who is Jesus—sets down his mug and raises his chin and says loudly, “Divine piss!”  And He magics the piss to orbiting Pluto, or crashing into the sun to melt, or whatever He does with it.  This new bloke, not realizing he’s drinking at the same pub as Jesus, thinks that it’s really weird how this one bloke just suddenly says “Divine piss!”  That bloke thinks that the person who is Jesus is really complaining about the quality of his beverage excuse me I mean His beverage.  Thinking he’s empowered by stuff like that, the new bloke calls over the barman and tries to get a refund for his beer.  This is the kind of shit that happens when people don’t know they’re drinking with the Lord.  (I need to get a bumper sticker that says that: “Drinking with the Lord!”  And it has this cool picture of a glass mug to the left or right of that writing.)  

The bloke must have made a good argument with the barman because in a minute that bloke is drinking a new beer and everything seems cool.  But then like five minutes more pass, and Jesus finishes his mug and belts out “Divine piss!” again.  

Like I was saying, this one bloke who came in is a heathen, is new to the pub, and he just can’t figure out why that keeps happening.  Because he could see clear as day that Jesus never got a new beer so he doesn’t get why Jesus is complaining again about the same drink (’member he must have thought Jesus would get a replacement on that first one that He thought tasted like piss).  And no one else reacts, the barman doesn’t go over to give Jesus a refund or replacement or anything, and the heathen bloke is so confused.  

(Imagine what you’d think if you were drinking a drink at the counter in some pub, and then some bloke in there just says “Divine piss!” out of nowhere?  If He was Jesus, then obviously you should get down on your knees before His lap to make yourself all ready for His Second Cumming but some blokes prefer pleasing Satan instead of pleasing Jesus.  Besides, in this questutation, you don’t know who He is.)  

Anyway, Jesus had to switch to never talking when He used magic to make His piss go away.  And He took it well the way He takes everything well, so it turned out alright.