What Heaven is Like

You can avoid the torments of Hell by think-texting to a rabbi who loves you (except when He firebombs you or drowns you in which case you had it coming).

As you will see if you choose Him, Christ is KING.  In Heaven, Jesus makes it with you all day every day.  I mean, that’s a metaphor, Christianity is so not gay, and it’s just a metaphor that you go there to make love to Jesus!  Everyone should get that!  It’s just a metaphor!  

Anyway, before I got sidetracked by the homophobes, what happens in Heaven is that Jesus makes sweet love to you almost constantly.  Sometimes you get sore, for some reason, and can’t keep going, but if Jesus feels like it (and He almost always does) then He heals you so you can handle more and you bend over in prayer and He fills you with His grace.  

Now, some people ask questions about that, like, “There are a lot of people in Heaven; how does Jesus do that to two people at the same time, let alone millions or billions?”  The answer is magic.  Just like S.R. can always/never make a rock so big He cancan’t move it, He can make it with every guy who goes to Heaven (and there are great activities for the ladies too!).  

Sometimes, the lucky partner of Jesus (partner in worship don’t be a perv) wants something different and so Jesus changes it up a little.  He’s so cool like that.  What He does is He has the guy kneel before Him and offer prayers to His glory until there is both a first and a second coming.  Also a third and a fourth and so on, and He sprays His holiness all over your face (we know you love it; if you don’t admit it that means you are repressed and want it even more like I saw in some movies).  

As can be seen, Christianity is not gay, it is completely not, and only evil stupid bad doody head Ists (sic) even begin to think that.  Guys just had to stop thinking about Aphrodite at all I mean et al. and focus their thought on Jesus looking so good in only His True Loincloth having His Passion for the good of all men (and women too; they just forgot to put that in the earlier version!) because they had to make the world not gay.  Yes it might be a wonderful mistake if the wind blew hard in a sudden burst and swept away that loincloth so all the handsome men (and the ladies also) could feast their eyes on the magnificence of our Lord (the correct un-edited statues get kept by the holy dudes in their private rooms not shown to everyone for some reason probably protecting us all from some evil phobia).  

Anyway, Ists:

For some reason, some people think even the made-up stories of paganism, and of the goddesses who still survive, are better than the stories of being loved by the best man ever!  Seriously, though, Jesusian Christianity is mountains of gay.  The Islamaniacs have a lot of problems, but at least they needed to get promised ample female sex slaves to adopt their Abrahamic system of control.  

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